Today was my husband's birthday and it brought up a lot of emotions for me. As I wrote in his birthday card, I wrote things that I would normally write, such as, "I'm so happy to grow old with you!" and things like that. Now more than ever I am faced with the fact that I might not be here next year or even next month, so it really hit me today.
I want to be here next year and next month, just to be clear. I don't want to have my chronic illnesses and heart problems win. I want to LIVE. Even if my "living" is like it is now (which I could consider sub-par living but I'm too grateful to be alive to really think that.)
I don't have the energy or health (let alone the means!) to do a whole bunch of elaborate celebrating these days, so I chose to do something meaningful for my husband instead. I decided that I could write on little sticky notes and place them all around the house in places that my husband looks each day. On these sticky notes I wrote reasons why I'm glad he was born (one thing for each year of his life). It really meant a lot to him as he discovered the little notes and remembered how much I love him. I gave him some gifts later in the day of course, but when I look at things from the perspective of where my life and health is at, I think him being reminded of my love for him is the most important gift I could have given him!
I have all these memories come flooding back on days like today of good times with family, friends, and other loved ones and it can really tug at my heart. It reminds me what is truly important in life. When I look at how things are now: estranged from family, friends, and all (mostly) because of my health, it's really sad. I'm not estranged from people completely because of my health problems, but the health problems do cause me to not have the ability to handle all the drama and other issues going on with people and their various situations.
On days like today I remember what it's like to have good memories be made and how great that can be. I also know and remember what it's like to have the chance for those types of experiences be taken from you (through no fault of your own) and how painful that can be.
On days like today...I am grateful for the family members that I DO have in my life and for the good friends I do have contact with, even if more of them are in cyber space than anywhere else!
On days like today, I am grateful to still be HERE. Alive, breathing, and my heart beating. Even if my heart and body is struggling, I am still here.
xoxo ~ Ellie